A colleague asked me this when I told him that I had tendered my resignation. I have to agree. This job, for the longest time, felt like a battle. Every day, I would whisper to myself as I ride the elevator, “Make me win today, God.”
Some days I leave the office victorious. When I speak my mind and feel that my thoughts matter. When I see an “F” in my draft pleading (“F” means finalize). When the client says “thank you.” When I beat a deadline. When I receive a favorable decision or order. When I come across the perfect jurisprudence or law provision for my case. When I get to work with lawyers who I idolize. When I find and/or secure the last missing document or requirement. When I meet the required hours of work for the day.
Other days, I wallow in defeat. When personal affairs distract me. When I let myself get bullied. When I have to accede to underhanded ways. When I fail to reason out when I am accused of something I did not do. When I allow someone to take credit for my work. When I prematurely judge people. When I turn in a work late. When I lose composure when pressed for time. When I lose someone’s trust.
To others, the struggle to balance these two emotions is all in a day’s work. Indeed, I could work anywhere and still wage the same battle. So, technically, I am not conceding. I am just moving to a different battlefield. I am not giving up on my dream to engage in international legal practice. I just know that staying in our branch office will not get me there. I am still looking for my unique niche in the profession. I just realize that Davao is too small a pond for what I have to offer. I have not lost hope in finding a good mentor. I just believe that I would have to search far and wide to find him/her.
“For to win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the acme of skill. To subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill.“ – Sun Tzu